J and I have a turbulent relationship - off and on, close and far, practically vanilla or almost entirely D/s - we've done it all. Life hasn't quite cooperated but that's a story for another post, perhaps one for my other blog. I mention it here only because as J and I are now trying to slowly figure out where we're going and how to combine a "vanilla" existence with our D/s roles, I find myself revisiting and reviewing some D/s concepts that I haven't thought about for a while.I've been thinking about submission and surrender. Is there a difference between the two? And if there is, what is it?
First, the stark and somewhat unimaginative definitions.
From Merriam-Webster:
submission
- the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant;
- an act of submitting to the authority or control of another;
- to submit: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.
- to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand;
- to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner.
For me, surrender is flat and uni dimensional. Surrender is the end state - you fight or you resist or you persevere in something and then you surrender. You give up. It's the last stop and that may be exactly where you want to go. If surrender is your goal, then you reach it and you're happy. In a struggle, if the struggle is to end, one party will ultimately surrender and that act ends the struggle. It's the final act after which the play is over.
Submission on the other hand is ongoing. It's not a single action or an end result, rather, it's a process. It's gradual and it deepens as it grows. Occasionally, it will reach a plateau and you'll find yourself coasting for a while before the next challenge comes. But if it stops growing and you find yourself in a rut, it can often be a sign that you're with the wrong person.
The most rewarding submission is layered. On top are the simple acts that require only the mildest degree of consent. These are the things you'll do even if they weren't being asked of you, things that don't require true submission but require merely the wish to please. Once you descend past those top layers though, what is asked of you will test your trust in the one asking and your continued willingness to submit to his wishes.
Submission requires constant renewal of consent. You always have the freedom to choose whether or not you'll submit and it's a choice you'll make over and over again.
And as for the definition of submission from Merriam-Webster... I can tell you that I'm neither humble nor particularly compliant. Being humble or compliant are great qualities for surrender, but not for submission. Submission requires inner strength and power and resilience. A doormat is not submissive, a doormat is compliant. Submission that costs you little to give is worth little to the recipient.
In the end, the shortest definitive difference is this...
Surrender can be coerced, submission cannot.
